Anticipatory grief differs from conventional grief in that conventional grief occurs after a loss, and anticipatory grief occurs before an impending loss. Coping with anticipatory grief can pose unique challenges. As Dr. Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, observes in this helpful article, "With conventional grief, because the loss already has happened, you can start to heal — but that healing process is harder to start while you’re still anticipating a loss that’s to come."
Wolfelt notes that having control is an important value in our society, and anticipatory grief involves an unavoidable surrender of that control. His advice on healthy coping is to "embrace and express" the wide range of emotions inherent in anticipatory grief. This expression can take many forms. For example, a friend of ours chose to write a beautiful poem while suffering from anticipatory grief related to the expected, eventual passing of her beloved mother-in-law. What helps you?
Leave-Taking
I don't want you to leave us in August
When we bask in the sun
When we sit by the pool at Lisa's and eat watermelon
When we relish seed spitting contests and the brief gleam of fireflies.
I don't want you to leave us in fall
When the hickory trees spread golden above us
When it's your son's and my anniversary and I remember
When we savored your lasagna at our rehearsal dinner.
I don't want you to leave us at Thanksgiving
When the fire crackles in the firepit
When the family gobbles turkey off your pinecone china plates
When you'd gotten up so early to cook.
I don't want you to leave us at Christmas
When bubble lights gleam beside the cardinal and pickle ornaments
When Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby croon Christmas carols
When you tidy up discarded wrapping paper almost before we drop it.
I don't want you to leave us in winter
When the trees' skeletal leaves stretch to the sky
When the pink camelias bloom
When we share strong coffee and gossip.
I don't want you to leave us in March
When the leaves are so bright they hurt my eyes
When your green thumb rescues my wilting potting plants
When the restored fern sits perkily on your windowsill.
I don't want you to leave us at Easter
When the fragrant lilies bloom
When Ben and Izzy search the bushes of Rob's backyard for fuchsia and lemon yellow eggs
When songs resound from Woodville United Methodist Curch.
I don't want you to leave us on Mother's Day
When we honor all your sacrifices
When silly cards and cheerful tulips coax a smile onto your face
When you wear your blue flowered blouse with the necklace I made you.
When pale June sunsets fill the skies
When it's the time of your own choosing
Then we will say our devoted goodbyes
Then you may leave us.
~Elaine Cochrane Hebenthal
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